Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Lmao
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.