First rule of flight club…no penguins.
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Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do