Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
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Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
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Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”