If you need a laugh.. 😅
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.