[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
If looks could kill
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.