zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
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*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
So, can we agree on 4 or
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.