I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.