Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed