What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
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[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
bro what is going on at twitter
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”