Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
You Might Also Like
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
getting old is fun
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.