Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here