Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
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Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.