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Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.