[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Still my favourite meme.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint