What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces