“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002