Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
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You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Fries, not lies.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey