An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
You Might Also Like
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.