Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear