Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Yes my dude
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
thank god the sign was there
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple