[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going