The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Nice try Hitler