just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.