On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
You Might Also Like
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
#dalle2
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*