I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
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When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I feel it
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!