*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
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One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Botany good plants lately?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Put this video in the Louvre