Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions