This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
the red hot silly peppers
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
For the baby who has everything
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
💯😂
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.