professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
You Might Also Like
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.