I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
This kid is going places
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.