[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
We need more people like this.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.