A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
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If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Fidel Castro was alive?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.