The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit