72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
She was REALLY feeling it.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
greetings!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.