Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
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We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud