[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
sigh
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?