nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
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Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
When you’ve simply given up.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
May never get over this
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season