A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Not helping
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.