Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
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nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.