Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
what?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.