[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Feels
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Steam Forums
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.