[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy