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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
These aliens are taking forever.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?