I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
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shampoo implies shampee
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Cause of death: Zumba
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts