Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”