Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
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I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Best spot.. 😅
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.