Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Most fashion shows these days…
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Whoa… oh I see lol
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.