I remember when things only cost an arm.
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Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.