Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
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My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.