Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Never ghost your hitman.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes